It’s impossible to fully understand the sorrows of divorce unless you have journeyed through its dark valleys of anguish. I have learned that these valleys only yield a desolate emptiness to anything that was once close and dear. During the agonizing process of divorce, we do not have the capacity to clearly see that we are blindly making the choice to end a marriage, a family, and are starting a vicious circle that only erodes. People have no idea of the painful realities of what lies on the other side of the violent ripping of a one-flesh covenant God intended. Divorce is always destructive, and its ripple effects are far-reaching and long-lasting. No one would argue that love and intimacy are essential to any marriage relationship, but when we assume that love and intimacy alone will sustain a marriage is when problems begin to emerge. When we build sandcastles around our hopes, dreams, and expectations, it all is violently swept away when the tidewater comes raging in. This modern culture has reduced a God-given covenant between a husband and wife into a self gratifying contract, complete with terms, conditions, indemnification and an exit clause!

The best way I can sum up divorce is that it just sucks!!!

Having many years behind me on the other side of divorce, let this series be your first step in discovering how you can start conquering life’s obstacles.

1) Self-pityis hell’s crazy glue!

It was so easy for me to feel sorry for myself and I did just that for awhile, until God placed the right people in my life that helped me pick myself up by the bootstraps and move forward.

Feeling sorry for myself was so is destructive and literally prevented me from moving forward to living a full life. Feeling sorry is a complete waste of time, it created negative and sometimes hostile emotions, and it does absolutely nothing for your relationships. Especially for the kids who are innocently caught in the cross-hairs of divorce.

With help from God and friends that were willing to walk through the muck-n-mire with me, I started to trade my self-pity with more gratitude.

2) Divorce doesn’t define you!

We all go through difficult seasons along our journey of life, but our circumstances don’t have to define who we really are.

Because most of us lack emotional boundaries, we let life’s tough circumstances and other people define us. We need to find the emotional strength to rise up, face our circumstances head on and STOP letting others take control of our actions. Once I came into a better of place of emotional health, it was much easier to be there for my kids while fighting the legal battles head on. I also got past many of my so called “friends” bailing on me during my time of need.

Let me be very clear….you are not your divorce!

When you choose to stop living out ‘who you are not’ and you start to live in ‘who you are’, it changes everything!

3) We don’t have to fear change!

Change happens, and well…you can’t change that fact of life.

I thought I had it all under control, holding my fate in my own hands, but with a blind recklessness, I lost sight of God and drifted way off course. In March 2004, a cold darkness stirred on the wind and cast a deep shadow over my blue skies—a day I will never forget…With one last glance, she turned and walked into the other room. As I came to the word ‘divorce’ written upon the letter, I fell to my knees, paralyzed as my reality became a silhouette of yesterday arriving at the edge of a broken heart. My happily-ever-after turned to dust.

On that day, change was definitely inevitable. It took some time to process through all of it, but I’ve learned that the phases of change are: Deep reflective thought, preparation for what’s ahead, developing an action plan or taking action, opposition (oh boy will it come) and lastly and very important…having a maintenance plan to keep you on track. This includes a core group of trusted accountability people that you allow to speak into your life.

Look I’m human just like you and making changes can be frightening, but running for the hills will stifle your growth. Remember; the longer you wait in dealing with change, the harder it gets!

4) Give up the idea that you’re in control!

Worrying accomplishes absolutely nothing because most of the stuff we worry about is out of our control. Worrying is a waste of time and it does’t help you to focus on bringing about a solution, so why waste your time and energy on it?

Trying to be in control of everything is rooted in fear and anxiety. Instead, focus on what you can do…like keep being a dad for your kids!

5) Take some risks in life!

Just to be clear…I’m not talking about stupid risk, I’m talking about calculated risk. I’m talking about charting a course for what’s ahead and still stepping out your comfort zone. So many people like to “play it safe” and are so afraid to take risks, whether it’s financial, physical, emotional, social, or just fill in the blank ______.

Dennis Rainey, President and CEO of FamilyLife ties the idea of planning and providing with this. “The men who are the best providers are those who live intentionally. They are alert, watchful, and cautious, though not fearful. They know where they are strong and where they are vulnerable. If they are married and if they have children, they also know the strengths and vulnerabilities of their family members. They are proactive in their pursuit of God, knowing that apart from Him they can do nothing (John 15:5). They have a general sense of direction for their life and for those under their care. They look to the future with faith and hope.”

6) Don’t camp out in the past!

This one is a second cousin to self-pity, so don’t go there. Denis Waitley shares this, “Learn from the past, set vivid, detailed goals for the future, and live in the only moment of time over which you have any control: now.”

Living life is not about being focused in the past or even on a future. It’s about being in every moment with God and to be ready for whatever God has prescribed for that moment to be.

7) Some solitude in life is a good thing!

Silence in the world we live in is a very rare commodity. There seems to always be someone or something competing for our time and our silence is invaded from every direction if we let it.

Why is this a concern for you and me? Because God does some some of His best and most powerful work in us, in the silence. Why is this difficult for us? Because we often choose to be at war with our silence and seem avoid it at all cost.

Intentionally unplugging and carving out some time to be alone with God and your thoughts can be a powerful experience. Here are some of the benefits I picked up from my alone time: Solitude increases productivity, it sparks creativity, it’s good for one’s mental health and it offers up some major restoration.

Don’t be afraid of some alone time…instead, make time for solitude.

8) The world doesn’t owe you anything!

Ok, you’re going through a divorce…so!!

It’s so easy to get angry at the world for your failures or lack of success, but the truth is no one is entitled to anything. You have to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and machete your way through life’s jungle.

Life isn’t meant to be fair and stop making the comparative of others happiness or success…that’s life — but it doesn’t mean you’re owed anything if you ran into a rough patch. Stay focused on your efforts on forward momentum. Accept criticism, own up to your flaws and stop keeping score. The comparison game will only set you up for more disappointments.

Though I fall… I will RISE AGAIN. -Micah 7:8!!

9) Learn from your mistakes!

Have you ever noticed that we quickly learn from our mistakes in the areas that matter least in life? Sending that embarrassing auto-corrected text. Inadvertently sending that “not for your boss’s eyes” email right into his/her inbox. Fill in the blank ______. You get the point.

When it comes to the personal-really-matters stuff of life we don’t seem to learn from our mistakes. Most of us get on the merry-go-round of life and do the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

Spend some time reflecting with a trusted counselor or mentor so you don’t repeat your mistakes. It’s important to really dig into what the heck went wrong, what you could have done better, and how your’e going to do it differently next time.

Look if you’re going through a divorce and already walked through one…you’re 100% accountable for your part of the breakdown of the marriage. Accept responsibility and change your behavior.

10) Chill out and don’t expect immediate results!

Here’s the rub: We make a lifetime of bad choices, life gets messed up and we get mad or give up on God because He doesn’t fix it in 8 minutes. Right? It took years for me to get to a better place and for the process of God to change my life. I share that story in my book Heartstone.

But me, I’m not giving up.
I’m sticking around to see what God will do.
I’m waiting for God to make things right.
I’m counting on God to listen to me.
(Micah 7:7, MSG)

We have to develop a mindset of realistic expectations and understand that our path out of the mess we had a part in causing, doesn’t happen overnight. Expecting immediate results is really nothing more then mental weakness!

It’s important to keep your eyes on the prize and relentlessly forge ahead, no matter what! Will there be obstacles and failures along the way? yup, but if you measure your progress (journaling helps) and look at the big picture, success will be on the horizon.

Divorce is a big obstacle, but I want to leave you with this thought…the greatest obstacle you face could be your greatest opportunity. It really comes down to your response to it, so go conquer those obstacles!