Cruising up Route 89 on my way to work, I was listening to an Andy Stanley podcast, “Starting Over, Part One – Three Myths” enjoying the beautiful mountain scenery of New Hampshire while sipping on a much needed cup of coffee.

The message really hit home because it reminded me of of my own journey of “starting over” after my divorce. The whole experience sucked but I remember the transition of having to leave the comfort of my own house; then living a very transient lifestyle from a basement floor, to the top of a barn, to a single room, to small apartment at the back of an Inn, to a town house and years later back in a house. More about that later.

Before we dive deeper we have to backup a bit and ask the questions, “why do so many of us have to start over? ..and why don’t we get it right on round two, three, etc?” We can debate a bunch of reasons, but the one that typically stands out is that we made some crazy mistake in life and we never learn the lesson.

Have you ever noticed that we quickly learn from our mistakes in the areas that matter least in life? Sending that embarrassing auto-corrected text. Inadvertently sending that “not for your boss’s eyes” email right into his/her inbox. Fill in the blank______. You get the point.

When it comes to the personal-really-matters stuff of life we don’t seem to learn from our mistakes. Most of us get on the merry-go-round of life and do the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Albert Einstein describes this action as insanity.

Here is the in your face rub…

The common denominator in all your mistakes — is YOU!

In the podcast, Andy Stanley suggests that there there are three big assumptions we all make when stating over. I’m going to add my own context to each of these, but understanding these is the beginning to learning how to break the wash-rinse-repeat cycle.

1) The Experience Myth

The myth we all buy into here is that experience alone makes us wiser. We convince ourselves that in light of what we’ve just done, that we won’t do it again.

Seriously? Of course we do the same dumb thing over again.

The experience of something will make you many things like tired, angry, poorer, lonelier, fill in the blank______, but it does not make you wiser. We convince ourselves that we’ve learned the lesson, but we really haven’t. Andy Stanley suggests that the key here is “evaluated” experience. More on that later.

2) The Know Better Myth

Since I know better, I will do better. Again, we buy into this wrong assumption that once we think we know better, we will do better. Here is the tough part, there is no guarantee that we will have the power or self control to do better next time. Usually we don’t and repeat the cycle because we don;t want to invest in the time to figure out why we keep making the same mistakes and bad choices over-n-over again. We chose not evaluate our experience.

How about this…what’s wrong with all the people I’m dating? For some reason we pick one train wreck after another. And the sad reality is…we pick ’em! Right?

Remember your teenage years? Parents, do you have teenagers? You know, “the know it alls!” Ok, case closed on this one 😉

3) The Time Myth

This is the most destructive of the three myths.

Just went through a tough divorce, I’m in my late thirties and man…I got to get back in the game because I’m not getting any younger. I told myself that time is working against me and the clock is ticking, so what do I do? I ran head first into another trainwreck! Because I didn’t hit the pause button and evaluate my experience!

I can laugh about it know, but it wasn’t funny at the time buying into all three of these myths. After the first failed marriage I convinced myself that I know had experience to make a better choice next time. I convinced myself that I knew better and I totally bought into the “I’m not getting any younger” narrative.

I jumped into another marriage which blew up in less than a year…it was overall just incredibly stupid on my part. It was only after the second trainwreck that I was broken enough to lean into “evaluated” experience and allowed God into my madness. What did He do? He connected me with an awesome mentor and life coach. — he was a Godsend!

Lesson learned here. Yeah, I understand the rush, I understand the loneliness and I the fill in the blank______, but time IS on your side. Trust me on this!

This is true for any transition or when your starting over. Whenever you’ve sailed some rough seas because of your own mistakes or a decision someone made about you, you need to find balance before proceeding. Emotions are all over the place, anger and resentment are leading the way, the pain of the event is eclipsing any rational thinking, etc.

When we don’t pause and evaluate or experience and let all the stuff mentioned above be our compass, we usually become very self-adsorbed in the process. Self-absorbed people make self-absorbed decisions, right? Jumping into whatever what next thing before finding our equilibrium or balance is a dangerous thing!

When some time has passed and you get into a healthier place where you have clarity, you have no business making ANY decisions to move forward. Check out ‘Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t’, it’s a great book to start with on learning how to get to a healthier place.

Are there any Biblical stories that talk about this stuff…and about starting over? Yup. Moses, King David, Paul, etc. Here is the part of these stories that we are going to hate. From the first round to the second round there was a span of years! There was a gap of time.

Two important things emerge from this process, a Divine sense of destiny and an abiding sense of humility.

Many of you are going to have to start over with something and you might as well get it right. My guess is that everything else you’ve tried failed, so you might as well invite God into your madness next go round. Might as well have Him redeem and add value to your past, instead of you looking back thinking that your life is a complete waste of time. Because it isn’t!

In round one of anything we are dealing with, it’s all about us…isn’t it?

If you allow God to do something in you after round one, round two (hopefully not round three) you will move into the next season in your life with a divine destiny. Working hard, giving God the credit and knowing it’s not about you!

Take if from a guy who figured this out after round two…all things work together for good to those who LOVE God, to those who are the CALLED according to HIS purpose.

If your willing to hit the pause button and back off a bit and allow God to step into your circumstances, God can work and can use “all things” to benefit you and others in the future.

In my experiences I’m learning that God can leverage purpose out of anything if we allow Him to, but you can’t rush this process.

Here is a sample of the purposes He is leveraging in my life after my failures and after I invited Him in to help evaluate my experiences:

• Kids got their dad back!
• I went kicking-n-screaming, but God called me to write a book.
• Founded the Heartstone Journey Ministry
• God is opening doors to radio. Very cool!
• I’m teaching and speaking on servant leadership in the workplace (of all places, right?)
• Was invited to be on the leadership team of the Men’s Ministry at our church.
• Serving as Advisory Board member of the New Hampshire Christian Business Network.

Is this all my doing? Not at all, it’s because God can leverage purpose out anything if we let Him…and I can’t wait for the other adventures I will go on with God!

So hit the pause button. Stop the wash-rinse-repeat cycle. Get off the merry-go-round of life. Invite God into your circumstance and let Him help you evaluate your experiences.

Holding that heartstone in my hand (gotta read my book), from flat-line to heartbeat — I am never out of the fight.

Remember, Gods grace is bigger than anything your facing in your life right now — reach out to Him!