Another powerful snow storm with blizzard conditions was hammering us in New Hampshire this past weekend. This was another in a series of storms that have been delivering heavy snow, wicked winds and significant snow accumulations on top of an already 2+ feet of snow.

We hunkered down in the family room around the warmth of the wood burning stove and decided to rent a movie. Ready to give up on the vast listing of non-interesting moves we came across ‘The Judge’ with Robert Downey Jr. and Robert Duvall.

Quick synopsis. Robert Downey Jr. plays Hank Palmer, a successful defense attorney in Chicago, who finds himself returning to his childhood hometown to attend his mothers funeral. Early on we see the stress fractures of his “picture perfect” life played out in a bitter divorce narrative as he walks out the door to head home.

If you go online and visit the common places for movie reviews you might skip over this movie because it got beaten up a bit by the movie critics. What do the critics know, right? I thought the movie was engaging and deeply moving and it hit a really BIG chord with me.

What chord was that?

The importance of a fathers approval!

On his journey home, Hank is reunited with his estranged father, the town’s judge (Robert Duvall) and we learn that there’s no love lost between the two men. After paying his respects, Hank says “this family’s a F#@!$$ Picasso painting” as he attempts to make a quick escape after the wake. With one foot out of the door everything changes as he learns that his father has been arrested on hit and run charges—quite possibly even premeditated murder. Hank chooses to defend his father and we are plunged into the deeper story line of a successful man returning home to confront his childhood demons — his father, mostly. Later during the trial Hank discovers the truth behind the case and this Picasso painting jumps off the canvas. The truth behind the case pulls together this dysfunctional family, revealing the struggles and hushed family secrets.

Many of the reviews paint this movie as just another classic father-son struggle drama, focusing on the predictable plot around Hank taking on the murder trial of his father. I would argue that this is not the core of the movie at all — the core is the importance of a fathers approval. This is not just a cliche struggle, it is THE struggle because a son needs to get that approval from his father.

Why did this story hit home for me?

Growing up I so longed to hear these words from my father, to be affirmed by him. Not hearing these words had a significant impact in my life…it defined me. I had no compass, my rudder was broken…I was lost without a purpose. In my book Heartstone, I describe this emptiness as an intense silent sorrow that I carried with me every day of my life.

This lost, hurt “little boy” inside this hardened, calloused shell of a man would weep with an intense sorrow almost every day as empty, silent tears, hidden so deep within the dark chambers of relentless anguish, would go unheard. What this “little boy” so longed and hoped for was the precious gift, the affirmation of the Father, the healing words that would remove the deep scars of brokenness: “This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased.” With such acceptance so void in my life, this respect-starved man of emptiness simply concluded that more work, greater accumulation of symbols of success and worldly praise would finally give me the strength to come out of my hiding place and hear the life-healing words.

This narrative is too prevalent in a boys journey to manhood and fathers need to step up see the significance of this in the lives of his kids!

I finally heard the life changing words in my late thirties and it was like a 3 ton gorilla was lifted off of my back. Hank Palmer heard them at the end of the movie fishing with his dad. After the Judge is released from prison. Hank picks him up and they go fishing. The Judge tells him that before when Hank asked him who the best lawyer he ever saw was, he was wrong. The best lawyer he ever saw was Hank. Hank finally gets his dad’s approval.

This scene really pulled at my heart strings because I know the significance of this!

Yes, I’ve spent the better part of my life looking for the approval of my father. A longing that has led me to replace relationship for career, love for advancement, and defining my self-worth and manhood to paychecks and titles.

Yes, I carried a deep seeded hatred of my father for years in the pursuit of his approval.

….but, here is what God taught me through all of this.

I learned that this in no way should be used as a judgment against my father! Why? Because no one can give away what he or she has never received.

I began to realize that my dad did recognized many of his own father’s shortcomings and made attempts to “do things different”. Like many parents he wanted more for his kids than he was given, but his own father never modeled this out for him.

I learned that God uses some of our most significant life challenges as our classroom to learn some of our greatest life lessons. I won’t judge or hold my father responsible for what he couldn’t give me, in fact, I appreciate what he did — because he showed me the importance of a father’s approval.