It was a warm, inviting sunny day as I climbed into the sanctuary of my car to begin my journey down to Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, Massachusetts, where the New England Patriots football team plays. Cruising down route 495 south with light traffic, no distractions, and dressed to impress in my business suit, I became lost in the reflections of the past week. Of course I was also thinking about how awesome it was to have this opportunity of attending an executive breakfast in the visitor’s locker room to hear Bill Belichick, the head coach of the New England Patriots speak. There was a welcoming peace that day in the comfort of my car that I was all too enthusiastic to embrace. In the peaceful silence, I was prompted to listen to one of the CD’s in the “Restoring the Father’s Love” series again.

I came to a place in the series where time stood still, my heart stopped, and my body went completely numb as the existence of the highway and the other cars around me simply faded into the background; I cannot truly explain what happened. My life began replaying right before my eyes as the Spirit of God brought me back into my past and unearthed something that I had suppressed deep within me for most of my life; I, too, had been abused at the age of ten. I wept all the way to my destination.

This was a big turning point in my life where the Lord would go deeper with my healing. He began the restoration process of removing the places in my life that I used to hide behind because of fear and shame. This undercurrent of fear and shame consumed me and played out in everything I did, even though I thought I had shoved it down far enough. This was a very hard place in my life to visit again, but the Lord gave me the strength and courage to face it head on. I want to share with you the deep hurts I had to walk through in a poem I was inspired to write called “My Hiding Place.” Maybe you too will find yourself buried somewhere in these words.

My Hiding Place

This little boy in the world of the indefinite.
Wanting so much to be both accepted and loved.
Looking for my father; he was not to be found.
Accepting my life as an onlooker; watching others embraced by the love of the father.

Looking for love and acceptance.
Wanting so much to find love, to be loved.
Learning that acceptance is unavailable, loneliness takes hold.
Out of fear, I run to my hiding place! Where is my warm embrace?

This little boy in the world of disappointment.
Having a desire to fit in; to be accepted by others.
Looking for my father; he was not to be found.
Accepting my life as a failure, I so much want to be recognized! Watching others hit a ball out of the park, being praised for it.

Looking for love and acceptance.
My hope for acceptance fading, I begin to get used to this.
Out of fear, I run to my hiding place! Where is my warm embrace?

This little boy in the world of evil.
Craving that someone would just accept me! That someone would love me!
At an impressionable age, I thought it came, but this was not love and this was not acceptance! It was a cancer that devoured me from within.
Looking for my father; he was not to be found.
Finally realizing that there is no love and acceptance!

Looking for love and acceptance.
Wanting to be somebody, needing to fill this void.
Out of fear, I run to my hiding place! Where is my warm embrace?

So desperately wanting to be somebody; to be loved, to be accepted.
Control, drive, money, success…POWER!
How easily I discovered a means to fill this void.
“The only way to be a somebody is being able to beat everybody else!”
Yet I still lived in fear.
Fear that grew, fear that controlled me, fear that possessed me! But I had the power!

Looking for love and acceptance.
Two words that faded out of my existence.
Out of fear, I run to my hiding place! Where is my warm embrace?

This little boy in the world of opportunity.
Courtship, marriage, having a family, what an incredible opportunity!
My family wanting so much for me to give acceptance, wanting me so much to give love. I did not know how!
I stopped looking for my father; he was nowhere to be found.
I only knew power; I only knew fear. Never understanding love and acceptance!

Looking for love and acceptance.
Unable to understand…
Out of fear, I run to my hiding place! Where is my warm embrace?
This power corrupted me! My world crumbled at the very foundation on which it was built. My very fabric of existence, ripped apart!

Looking for love and acceptance.
I am completely crushed! I run, I run, I run…
Out of fear, I run to my hiding place! Where is my warm embrace?

Left only with fear! No acceptance, no love!
Out of desperation, I cry out to God!
Suddenly, a warm covering of peace comforts me. My spirit begins to heal!
I am accepted—unconditionally; I am loved—unconditionally.
Looking for love and acceptance.
Freely given—without condition!
I come out of my hiding place! Finding a warm embrace!
This little boy now held in the comforting arms of the Father, my Abba Father!
Released from the chains that have bound me!
My fear is gone!

Through life experiences, my understanding that love was a reward for success or service. Love is simply a gift, a gift that is freely given!
I have forgiven my earthly father as my heavenly Father has forgiven me.
I now understand, how to love, how to accept and how to freely give it — unconditionally!

You probably can’t imagine there being a glory to your life, let alone one that satan fears. But remember, things are not what they seem and we are not what we seem. With the shame, guild and pain that life seems to deliver, you probably believed the lie that you were junk. No matter what life’s thrown at at you, no matter what others have done to you and no matter what you’ve done…I pray that fog of poison gas from the pit of hell is fading away in the wind of God’s truth in your life!