A long season has passed since I had to leave the comfort of my own home. This journey was humbling as I had to walk through the transient way of life from a basement floor, to the top of a barn, to a single room, to this apartment that the Lord blessed me with. Walking this out, I arrived to a place that represented some sense of emotional and financial stability where I could stand on my own and have my own place.

There was a calming stillness to the morning air as I walked out of my friend’s garage to the scene of him and my father hooking up the trailer. The scene unfolded in slow motion as I was beginning the journey to be on my own. As the sun began to chase away the clouds, we began to load what little personal items I had on to the back of a trailer. This didn’t take long because I did not have much to move. With the last of everything I owned loaded onto the trailer, we began the trip to my new apartment. My emotions were mixed with excitement and anxiety because not only was this a big step that would bring closure to my transient life, but thoughts began to stir in my head reminding me that I would truly be on my own.

We walked into the emptiness of the apartment, quickly made a decision on where everything should go and began the process of unloading and unpacking all my stuff. The emptiness of the apartment slowly retreated as each item was put in its place. It was really great hanging out with my buddy and my father through the rest of that day; but the day came to a close, night began to blanket the sky, and they headed home.

I was alone…again!

I really thought I conquered fear and loneliness, but I hadn’t.

Time appeared to slow as I watched them get in their vehicles and drive off. Watching the scene fade as I closed the door, I walked back into the apartment with an ache developing in the pit of my stomach. Within minutes, the silence and loneliness began to consume me as I sat there at my kitchen table staring at the wall. My thoughts churned into knots as I began to wonder why God would bless me with this apartment and would graciously provide me all the necessities I needed to exist here, just to leave me all alone. It didn’t take me long before this scene reminded me what it was like living in my own house, with all my stuff, despite the issues. My anger and my pride began to rise up within me as I thought how absolutely stupid it was to be in this small apartment at the back of an inn with no couch, no TV, no Internet access, no curtains, no shades, and little to eat.

Why me?

I worked for years to have that house!

Why me and not her!

My excitement turned to disappointment!

My disappointment turned to anger.

Through His incredible grace, God had provided me with so much that I couldn’t see at the time. This was that place on my journey into the mystery of God where He stepped back into the silence and tested me to see what I would do, similar to how our parents teaching us how to walk by holding our hands for a time and then letting go to see what we will do.

I have learned that as we journey with God, He will allow us to experience the disappointment we feel when our pride is wounded. It is in this place where our misplaced affections and desires will be clearly revealed to us, whether we like it or not. Because of our stubbornness and our pride, we cannot clearly see that these are the very things that can only be worked out in us when He gets us alone—and because He loves us so much, He will get us alone. Take it from me, the Lord cannot teach us anything until we throw away our human wisdom and thinking and get alone with Him, and when He gets us alone, these issues will become clearer to us.

In our propensity to get things wrong, we have attributed to contentment attitudes and feelings that have nothing to do with it. Contentment isn’t denying one’s feelings about unhappiness, but instead a freedom from being controlled by those feelings. It isn’t pretending things are right when they are not, but instead the peace that comes from knowing that God is bigger than any problem and that He works them all out for our good. Contentment isn’t the complacency that defeats any attempt to make things better, but instead the willingness to work tirelessly for improvement, clinging to God rather than results. It isn’t a feeling of well-being contingent on keeping circumstances under control, but instead a joy that exists in spite of circumstances and looks to the God who never varies. It isn’t the comfortable feeling we get when all our needs and desires are met, but instead the security in knowing, as A. W. Tozer reminds us, that “The man who has God for his treasure has all things in One.”.ⁱ

Are you content with your present circumstances?